Easier To Lie
by Tricki
Summary: And honestly? To look you in the eye, It's easier to lie. It's easier to lie. Amanda & Simon


AN: Well, hello chickens! This is one of the first MDA fics I ever wrote. I wrote it in one sitting about a year ago now, and it's just sat on my hard drive miserably since then. I woke up with the overwhelming urge to post it. I was experimenting with a new writing style - which probably isn't that different to the way I write now, a bit more formal and full names all over the place, but when I wrote this I very rarely wrote in the present tense, so it was a pretty big thing for me back then. It's a pretty special one to me.

Now, the actual story: This is a songfic to Aqualung's 'Easier To Lie', and goes from pretty early in season 2 to post series {non specifically - there aren't any spoilers}. Please R&R.

Pairing: I'm so predictable, Amanda & Simon.

Spoilers: None.

Rated: T for language, but that's probably just me being over-cautious.

Enjoy Xxx

**"Easier To Lie"**

To bear the weight  
And push into the sky  
It's easier to lie  
It's easier to lie

There are some days Amanda McKay hates her job. There are some days she feels like an absolutely horrible person for following the law down to the letter and not compensating plaintiffs just because their lives had been worsened – regardless of whether or not it is her clients' fault. Regardless of this, Amanda McKay does her job to the best of her ability, because there are other days when she knows she _is_ helping good doctors to continue practicing, because it's the days she hates her job that have made her excellent – because it is easier to lie about ever feeling that way at all.

When she lies about it, she can even convince herself – she can almost convince him.

And honestly?  
To look you in the eye  
It's easier to lie  
It's easier to lie

There are days – more than he would care to admit – when Simon Lloyd lies to Amanda McKay. Simon Lloyd does not enjoy lying to Amanda McKay, but does so to protect her, to protect their friendship – and maybe partly to protect himself. Because if Simon Lloyd were completely honest with Amanda McKay, there is a reasonable chance he would lose her.

Or perhaps lose himself? He doesn't know which scares him more. He does know, however, that there are days when he invents plans that exclude her in an attempt to eliminate the possibility of being honest with her. Because she doesn't need to know he's in love with her; because if he can convince himself that it's not there, he should be able to convince her too – because it is easier to lie about loving her than it would be to lose her.

To be the one  
To be the only one  
Something has to give a lot  
Something has to give a lot

On these semi-regular occasions when Simon Lloyd must lie to be away from Amanda McKay, he always will arrive at the conclusion that he has done the right thing – that there really was no other option. Why would there be? They aren't able to be together – they work together, he is technically still married, and she... well she is his Amanda; a wonderful, whimsical creature who is probably neither interested in him, nor ready for another real relationship.

No, neither of them is in a position to be together, so he might as well accept that without a drastic change, they are not going to be.

Yes. It is easier to lie about his whereabouts than have these thoughts dashing through his head with her at his side, and the very real risk of said thoughts coming out his mouth.

Amanda McKay chides herself for being saddened by Simon Lloyd's semi-regular Amanda-Free-Nights. He is not hers to have. She is in no position to consider having him; she is the perpetual mess, the headstrong woman who is unable to control herself – except around him. Her Simon. Who is not, and will probably never be her Simon.

Unless there's some drastic change – and some days, some days when Amanda is especially energetic and headstrong and fiery, she thinks that _something_ has to give, and whatever that something is might cause said drastic change. Then maybe things would be different for them.

It is easier for Amanda McKay to lie to herself about why she is saddened by his semi-regular prior engagements than be honest with herself. Because Amanda will merely miss his company. Is not envious. Is not lonely. Does not miss him.

And who am I  
to give you what you need?  
When I'm learning,  
just learning.  
Learning how to live and

There are days when Simon Lloyd watches Amanda McKay from the kitchen of the office. She is bright, and bursting with life, and almost eccentric on her bright aquamarine exercise ball. She bubbles gaily in a way that warms his heart, and even her slightest movements are able to captivate his attention.

These days, Simon Lloyd silently laughs at himself, for he knows that in many was she is his very antithesis. Amanda McKay is bright and exciting and spontaneous; he himself is contained, an advocate of fore-planning, and possibly unable to give in to – or maybe even hear – the random urges that seem to be constantly occurring in her. When he undertakes in this passionate study of her, Simon Lloyd almost always eventually has to find a way to explain his excessively slow tea making, because the woman he is watching has the sudden urge for something from the kitchen. Today, she has decided to try and grill apple slices on toast. He shakes his head. Why does he think he is able to make someone like her happy?

This is why it is easy for Simon Lloyd to lie - to say that the cleaner moved the sugar. Because she's too much for him – or he's not enough for her.

Because it wouldn't work. Because him wishing it would makes no difference.

To bear the weight...  
and push into the sky  
it's easier to lie  
it's easier to lie

Amanda McKay is self-confessedly trying to learn how to be more sensible when making decisions – especially personal ones. This proves especially hard when she has finally accepted that she is in love with her best friend. But she is learning, and is a quick study. She is – surprisingly, her Adelaide friends would say – managing to shoulder the burden of this unwanted affection. She is managing to help him survive the pressures of a long-distance marriage as well. Amanda only manages this burden by lying – and it is easier to lie about it than to have him withdraw it, because Amanda needs some part of him to be hers, and if this is all she has, she's going to cling to it for dear life.

Simon Lloyd is learning how to mentally detach himself. Despite the fact that he has lived alone for seven months now, he is mentally coupled. The transition feels surprisingly immense, and he wonders if, perhaps, that is partly due to him learning how to be the kind of person who could give someone else – someone not like Eva at all – what they need. It is easier, less frightening, for Simon Lloyd to tell himself, untruthfully, that this is going to take a great deal of learning; that he doesn't already know.

And honestly?  
To look you in the eye  
it's easier to lie  
it's easier to lie

Amanda McKay can only manage to look Simon Lloyd in the eye when he talks about his wife because she knows he cannot see the hurt in hers. Practicing law for as long as she has, has taught her how to conceal her emotions. She does not usually manage this when Simon Lloyd is concerned, but does in regards to this subject. Amanda McKay manages this feat solely because it is the only way to prevent him withdrawing from her.

In the wake of Simon Lloyd leaving MDA the second time, that time for real, that time leaving Amanda McKay behind too – leaving her because being with her, and by then he was very much with her, was even more frightening than lying – both have lied to themselves more than ever.

Simon Lloyd had packed and left for Germany, had left Amanda McKay sobbing on their kitchen floor, because Simon Lloyd's answer to true intimacy is escape, and his wife's escape to Germany has cemented that pathway as normal in his mind.

Each has tried to move on. Each has almost succeeded; because it is easier to lie about being happy, about not missing the other, than admit the truth. So they lie. They are not broken, not diminished, not grieving, not incomplete.

One day Simon Lloyd is in Cottbus for a conference and he realises that the Simon Lloyd he had once been proud to be did not like to do things the easy way.

Simon Lloyd boards a plane back to Melbourne that day, because he honestly loves Amanda McKay, and can no longer lie about this fact.

Amanda McKay is almost rendered speechless at his appearance on her – formerly their – doorstep at nine in the evening.

"I didn't want you to leave." Amanda McKay says in a hushed whisper after they have closed the door to the flat and a clipped "You're back." and "Yes." have been exchanged.

"I didn't want to leave you." Simon Lloyd replies. The step he takes closer to her is bold, and Amanda McKay is too proud not to bristle.

"Then why did you?" The challenge is strong, the eyes are tearful. Simon Lloyd has broken Amanda McKay's heart once already, and she still thinks it might just be beyond repair. The instinct in her is to hit him, to scream aloud, for Amanda McKay was finally beginning to believe her own lie:

"_You _**can**_ recover from Simon Lloyd."_

and he is now proving her a liar by his mere presence.

Simon Lloyd, at this moment, decides that after everything that has happened, it is not, in fact easier to lie.

To fill the space  
the space you made for me  
try to be the one you want  
try to be the way you want

"I love you too much. I was scared." Simon Lloyd is not sure he is brave enough to ask her the question he has been dying to. "I know it isn't fair, but if there's any room in your life for me now, would you... take me back?"

Amanda McKay slaps Simon Lloyd with more force than she thought she could muster, and then snakes her arms around his neck in a tight embrace. Tears flow freely from Amanda McKay's eyes as they haven't done in months – haven't done since he left.

"You absolute bastard." She mutters against his neck. "You fucking _idiot._ There will always be room in my life for you."

Amanda McKay wanted to lie. She thinks the truth makes her weak; but she fights the urge to lie, because at this point she has nothing more to lose, and everything to gain.

And maybe I  
could be the one you need?  
If you'd only  
show me  
Show me how to live –

Simon Lloyd has lost some degree of confidence in himself – has been lying to himself so long that he's not even sure what's true anymore. But Simon Lloyd knows that he loves Amanda McKay. That, at least, is something to cling to.

"I promise, I'll try to be better for you this time. Be what you need." Simon Lloyd makes this promise with their eyes locked – looking her dead in the eye. Amanda McKay gazes at him in disbelief.

"Simon, you were always perfect to me. What you are is what I need. I've never asked you to change."

"The truth is, I'm not sure I really remember how to be in a relationship." Amanda McKay laughs at that and drops her forehead to his chest, letting the familiar smell of him wash over her.

"We'll work it out."

- and to bear the weight  
And push into the sky  
it's easier to lie  
easier to lie

Simon Lloyd watches Amanda McKay's sleeping form reflectively. At the time, lying to her had seemed so reasonable, so simple, so _protective_. Bearing the weight of dishonesty, Simon Lloyd now believes, is what caused him to attempt escape. He sees now that together they managed to shoulder burdens that he alone could not.

Amanda McKay is more than willing to attempt to carry them all, on her own, so long as it means she can be with the man she is still very much in love with.

And do what's right  
when everything is wrong  
it's easier to run  
it's easier to

Never have  
to look you in the eye  
it's easier to lie  
it's easier to lie

Simon Lloyd does not sleep at all that night, but instead muses. Perhaps it is, at least on the surface, easier to lie than to be completely honest with someone. Perhaps all the good reasons he came up with to lie to Amanda McKay were valid at the time – maybe even running was easier. Running from her, not seeing her anymore, not having someone to know him completely and therefore know when he was hiding something was on one hand an easy course of action, but nothing was harder than being away from her – never seeing the crackle of life in her blue-green eyes or the mischievous curl of her lips.

Being around Amanda McKay, on the other hand, makes Simon Lloyd feel strong enough to do what he knows is right, not what he presumes to be easy.

Taking into account the valuable lesson he has learnt, that it is not, in fact, in the long run, easier to lie, Simon Lloyd has decided that, however difficult, he will commit his life to doing what is right by Amanda McKay, and nothing less.


End file.
